The Comparison Trap
Do you compare yourself to others? Yes, always? No, never? Possibly, a little bit? Although it can often be a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, it’s important to separate the action in doing so from who you are as a person. The action of comparing yourself to someone else can be a subjective and projective reflection of yourself, and if you’re not mindful of this behavior, it can have damaging effects on your confidence, self-esteem, and self-image. What follows are three themes to keep in mind when we begin to compare ourselves to others. 1) You can always find someone who is “better” or “worse,” or someone who has “more” or “less”: So many of our perceptions are subjective and personal, and the way in which we view ourselves and others is usually formed through our own frame of reference. Just because you personally might view a situation in a certain way does not mean that others do as well. Your definition of “better” or “worse” is really your own, and others’ perspectives will likely differ from yours. Additionally, the conceptualization of how you see yourself and your life, as compared to someone else’s, can be perceived as “better” in certain regards, or “worse” in others, both subjective viewpoints.. You may encounter someone who has “more” money than you. You may encounter someone who has “less” living space than you do. Just because you have more or less of something, does not equate to your being better or worse as a person. Hence, the quotation marks! 2) Things aren’t always as they seem: We will never know the full story of what is truly going on behind closed doors in other people’s lives. Don’t automatically assume that just because you observe certain things as being truths on the surface, that they are as you perceive them. For example, someone may appear as if they are happy and living a “perfect” life, but perhaps this person is struggling with self-esteem issues, substance abuse, grief, or depression. You can’t know these things simply on the surface level, or from your outside perspective. It’s important to remember that there are layers to all of us that we cannot see at all times, but they’re surely there, underneath the surface. Side note: there is also no such thing as universal “perfection.” What is deemed “perfect” in your eyes may not be judged the same by someone else! 3) Feelings of insecurity: When we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others in a heightened fashion, this can often be indicative of deeper issues related to our own insecurities. If you notice you are picking at others, and at yourself, about levels of intelligence, achievements in the career arena, physical appearance, or other qualities, take a moment to reflect upon why. Is it because of your own internal struggles in these areas, or is it based upon external factors? Furthermore, if you notice you are harshly judging others for having things that you actually want for yourself, take note that this can be a negative pattern in your relationships, and can even be damaging to your reputation. For example, if you believe you deserve a promotion, but your colleague got one instead of you, it is okay to feel slighted and a bit let down. That’s understandable. However, if you find yourself nitpicking and criticizing the individual for achieving recognition for their strengths, or you notice you’re putting them down and/or gossiping behind their back, this can be representative of a bigger issue within yourself that should be explored carefully. Of course, we cannot...
Read MoreWhat’s Within Your Control?
The short answer? Yourself. As adults, we are responsible and accountable for our own actions. We have the ability to exercise action or restraint when it comes to our behaviors. For some, this feat can be difficult, especially when we really want something. You may want it all: the “perfect” job, relationship, home. The list can go on and on. You want to feel good, happy, and secure. How do you achieve these things? First of all, “perfect” isn’t exactly attainable and is also subject to definition. Trying to control whether you get a call back from a job interview, or a call back from the guy or girl you’re dating, or a call back from the real estate agent, may create increased stress and anxiety, since you cannot control the outcome in cases where another individual may be involved in the decision-making process. How can you exercise control over your actions, then, to work towards positive outcomes? Giving up control over the things that are outside of your control is a good place to start. Below are some themes that may occur when we try to control things beyond our ability to do so: Give up always having to be right – your perspective on an issue has relevance, but your opinion isn’t the only one out there. Other people’s viewpoints can at the very least be educating, even if you don’t agree. Give up the need to appear perfect – whether it’s physical appearance or social clout or financial wealth, trying too hard in striving for perfection can be exhausting and also anxiety-provoking. After all, nobody’s perfect! Give up being controlling over others – you can’t convince others to do exactly as you do, just because you think it’s the absolute right way. Everyone is entitled to their own perspective. Give up embellishing and/or lying in order to impress others – the need to exaggerate can be a complicated issue, and may represent insecurity or deeper issues. Give up envy and competitiveness – these feelings can compromise your personal emotional well-being. You may need to self-evaluate so that you don’t always compare yourself to others. Think about it: if you’re focused on controlling the outside world, you may wind up neglecting yourself and your own actions. If we spend too much time and attention fixating on external factors, we may lose sight of our own goals and find that we aren’t getting anywhere, and may be making ourselves miserable. Solution? Redirect your energy and attention towards making choices that are within your control, which can then enhance your own sense of independence, empowerment, and...
Read MoreYour Self-Worth is Worth a Lot
Do you ever feel as if you don’t deserve success? Or happiness? Do you experience guilt or uncomfortable feelings, even if success or happiness is right in front of you? Do you experience the urge to want to push it all away, even if you’ve worked hard in earning the rewards? If so, you may be struggling with owning, appreciating, and accepting your own self-worth. How we view ourselves is complex, as it is both an internal and external process. We often seek validation from the outside world in order to feel valued and respected, and without experiencing that, many of us might begin questioning our own worth; however, it is truly impossible to be validated and embraced by everyone we encounter in our lives. Seeking external validation before embracing internal validation can pose problems in our acceptance of ourselves. I’d like to think that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you do not abide by your own rules, goals, values, morals, and expectations for yourself (and in turn, if you regularly put others before yourself), negative consequences may result, such as increased anxiety, stress, burnout, fatigue, and depression. What should you pay attention to, then, so that your self-worth does not become negatively impacted? Here are five themes to keep in mind: 1) People-Pleasing – You experience a strong desire to be accepted, loved, and viewed in a positive light at all times, and by everyone. When this does not occur, you might experience intense feelings of rejection, and possibly abandonment. 2) Self-Sabotage – You have a tendency to push away or reject others before they have a chance to reject or disappoint you. 3) Perfectionism – You strive for the ideal at all times, and when the ideal does not happen, you might experience emotions such as guilt and self-blame. 4) Fear of Failure – If something does not work out, you internalize this as an absolute failure on your part, without looking at other factors that may have contributed to the event. 5) Feeling Like a “Doormat” – You’d rather have people “walk all over you” to make sure their needs and feelings are met, just to avoid conflict. A damaging consequence of this is ignoring how you truly feel, which can set you back, instead of propelling you forward. If you recognize that any of these five points are issues for you, don’t lose heart: there are surefire ways to deal with them, and to improve your sense of your own self-worth. I’m here to help!...
Read MoreAssertiveness and Boundaries and Confrontation
Do you find yourself saying “yes” to everything? Wanting to always please others? Are you worried that you will upset others if you say “no,” or that marching to the beat of your own drum will make people react negatively to you? Do you bite off more than you can chew, for the sake of putting others’ needs ahead of your own? If so, you may be struggling with assertiveness. Many people are afraid to be assertive, for fear that others will become angry with them. This is where many of us confuse being assertive with being confrontational, even though these two conditions don’t always go hand-in-hand. Standing up for yourself and being your own advocate (assertion) is not necessarily equivalent to causing major conflict (confrontation). Establishing healthy boundaries can help you navigate the realm of assertion and confrontation, and it’s all in how you approach and handle the issue at hand. One way to get your point across in practicing self-assertion, is to begin with a positive statement to the individual you’re dealing with, making it known that your take on the matter is not meant to be a criticism of, or threatening towards, the other party. Rather, you appreciate their perspective, even though you may see things a bit differently. For example, if you disagree with your friend about the way in which she is applying for jobs, and you’re frustrated for her (and maybe with yourself for being out of ideas to help her in this endeavor), you might point out that you truly appreciate her efforts, and highlight the strengths you notice she is already employing. You may then let her know that you think she’d benefit more by talking to a career counselor/consultant, since you’re out of ideas yourself and are frustrated as well. In this way, you are validating her efforts to find a new job, while asserting yourself by delineating a boundary, so as to avoid your own emotional fatigue by over-helping, over-exerting, and over-compensating. We all have insecurities, and sometimes they feed into why we have a hard time asserting ourselves. We may then remain in a passive state. This can happen whether you’re in a steady romantic relationship, married, or dating. You don’t want to say no or hurt your partner’s feelings, so instead, you may find yourself apologizing for your own behavior. Or you may ignore the fact that something is wrong, and you wind up agreeing with your partner, just to avoid anticipated conflict. Remember, giving respect often garners respect. Be proud of who you are, and stand up for yourself when necessary. By doing this, the hope is that others will hear you out, and treat you the way you want to be treated. If this is hard for you, focusing on techniques related to improving communication skills, working on your self-esteem, and creating a healthier self-image may be helpful starting points. Of course, practicing assertiveness is different for all of us. There are many assorted situations, lots of different people, and numerous unique circumstances. How you practice assertion with a colleague or to your boss will likely vary. How you practice assertion with your brother or sister, or with your mother and father will likely vary as well. The goal in all of this, though, is to remember to pay attention to your own needs and emotions, and to not repress and/or minimize them. Do not shortchange your own happiness out of fear of how people might react. They may react positively, neutrally, or negatively. In the big picture, what matters most is how you feel,...
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