What is “Mindfulness”?
We’ve all heard it before: be mindful! Sure, sounds easy enough. But, what exactly does being “mindful” mean? Mindfulness can have broad definitions, but in psychotherapy, it is often defined as a psychological state of awareness of our own experiences. It is an important staple in many different types of therapy, including Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The key point to remember when it comes to being mindful is that your thoughts and emotions are not fixed, they are free-flowing, and they come and go. Why is this helpful to note? Well, when we experience so-called “negative” emotions, such as anger, frustration, or irritation, it can be easy to over-identify with the feeling. Some of us can easily spiral into thinking we actually are that thought, feeling, or emotion. Self-deprecating forms of thinking can also be triggered, i.e. “I’m mad at my boss, so this must mean I’m an angry person,” or, “I’m irritated with my spouse, so I must be a cranky person.” Sure, you might feel upset and angry, which is okay! However, experiencing negative emotions does not necessarily translate into your being an “upset” person overall, or an “angry” person at your core. Emotions are free-flowing, they come and go, and they pass, both positive ones and the negative ones. Of course, negative emotions can understandably be tough to cope with, but it’s important to remember that there is validity to your feelings, and you’re feeling the way you do for a reason. Just like there is a range of colors in a rainbow, there is a range of emotions we experience in our lives. Remaining mindful of your current emotion, and understanding your triggers and responses to that emotion, can help you find your own equilibrium. In therapy, it can be really helpful to identify these patterns in your own unique situation. So, how do you remain mindful? Here are some quick starter tips to keep in mind: Observe Your Emotion Experience Your Emotion Don’t Over-Identify With Your Emotion Engage in Appreciating, Owning, and Respecting How You Feel How can practicing mindfulness be helpful for you? Research points to a lot of advantages, such as stress reduction, improved memory, reduced emotional reactivity, increased focus, relationship satisfaction, and physical health benefits. Meditation and yoga have become increasingly popular forms of mindfulness-based activities and exercises that can help you hone in on promoting overall well-being. Questions or comments? Reach out, I’m here to help! ...
Read MoreWhy Is Change So Hard?
You want to change. You know what you need to do. Your goals and tasks have been identified. So, why does it seem so hard to change, then? From a biological perspective, it can be argued that we are all shaped by our genetics and DNA, and we may be somewhat pre-set as to how we function in the world. From a psychological perspective, it can be argued that we all have a tendency towards a certain personality type, and possess certain attributes when it comes to our thoughts and emotions. From a social perspective, it can be argued that we all grew up in different environments and have been shaped by the people to whom we were exposed from a young age, and continuing all through our lives. Combined together, the general biopsychosocial model often needs to be examined when looking at human behavior. In tandem with some of these perspectives, change can encompass a series of steps and phases that we may go through to secure the desired change-behavior. The “Transtheoretical Model” reflects upon the above-mentioned biopsychosocial model to conceptualize the process of wanting to intentionally change your behavior (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983; Prochaska, DiClemente, & Norcross, 1992). Here’s a brief review of the six stages below: Precontemplative – You know you might want to make a change, but you’re not quite ready to make the change. Contemplative – You begin considering change more readily, and entertain what this process might look like. Preparation – You begin making a plan to enact change. Action – You employ methods to carry out change-oriented tasks in order to achieve your goal. Maintenance – You sustain self-efficacy and have made some modifications in your lifestyle related to the change-behavior at hand. Termination – Your change-behavior has become an automatic process. Within each of these stages, there are experiential and behavioral processes that occur. These processes vary in intensity, frequency, and duration. Becoming educated about the change process and designing an individualized plan for change with a trusted mental health professional can often be an empowering and effective tool for enhancing your life. Change can be a difficult endeavor for many of us, but it can be achieved! Thoughts or questions? Please contact me for assistance. I’d be happy to...
Read MoreThe Comparison Trap
Do you compare yourself to others? Yes, always? No, never? Possibly, a little bit? Although it can often be a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, it’s important to separate the action in doing so from who you are as a person. The action of comparing yourself to someone else can be a subjective and projective reflection of yourself, and if you’re not mindful of this behavior, it can have damaging effects on your confidence, self-esteem, and self-image. What follows are three themes to keep in mind when we begin to compare ourselves to others. 1) You can always find someone who is “better” or “worse,” or someone who has “more” or “less”: So many of our perceptions are subjective and personal, and the way in which we view ourselves and others is usually formed through our own frame of reference. Just because you personally might view a situation in a certain way does not mean that others do as well. Your definition of “better” or “worse” is really your own, and others’ perspectives will likely differ from yours. Additionally, the conceptualization of how you see yourself and your life, as compared to someone else’s, can be perceived as “better” in certain regards, or “worse” in others, both subjective viewpoints.. You may encounter someone who has “more” money than you. You may encounter someone who has “less” living space than you do. Just because you have more or less of something, does not equate to your being better or worse as a person. Hence, the quotation marks! 2) Things aren’t always as they seem: We will never know the full story of what is truly going on behind closed doors in other people’s lives. Don’t automatically assume that just because you observe certain things as being truths on the surface, that they are as you perceive them. For example, someone may appear as if they are happy and living a “perfect” life, but perhaps this person is struggling with self-esteem issues, substance abuse, grief, or depression. You can’t know these things simply on the surface level, or from your outside perspective. It’s important to remember that there are layers to all of us that we cannot see at all times, but they’re surely there, underneath the surface. Side note: there is also no such thing as universal “perfection.” What is deemed “perfect” in your eyes may not be judged the same by someone else! 3) Feelings of insecurity: When we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others in a heightened fashion, this can often be indicative of deeper issues related to our own insecurities. If you notice you are picking at others, and at yourself, about levels of intelligence, achievements in the career arena, physical appearance, or other qualities, take a moment to reflect upon why. Is it because of your own internal struggles in these areas, or is it based upon external factors? Furthermore, if you notice you are harshly judging others for having things that you actually want for yourself, take note that this can be a negative pattern in your relationships, and can even be damaging to your reputation. For example, if you believe you deserve a promotion, but your colleague got one instead of you, it is okay to feel slighted and a bit let down. That’s understandable. However, if you find yourself nitpicking and criticizing the individual for achieving recognition for their strengths, or you notice you’re putting them down and/or gossiping behind their back, this can be representative of a bigger issue within yourself that should be explored carefully. Of course, we cannot...
Read MoreCautious Optimism: Expectations and Reality
Have you ever experienced excitement about something that fills you with intense, energized joy? Off to the races, full speed ahead? No looking back? That adrenaline rush, the wonderful sensation of powerful feelings that make you feel like you’re nearly invincible? When we anticipate excitement about something, the event tends to be centered around a potentially positive experience. The emotional “high” we experience feels so wonderful, that many of us prefer to ride that wave out for as long as possible, instead of looking at the so-called traffic signs along the way (i.e. red and yellow lights, caution signs, stop signs … you get my point!). What happens then, when you allow “green light” mode to take over, without looking at other things that are going on? The excitement suddenly slows down and begins to wane. You feel like you’re crashing, or the event you became so excited about is over, or perhaps it didn’t even happen at all. This is where hard reality sets in, and you quite understandably feel disappointed, or upset. So, how do you manage your expectations surrounding an anticipated event, without losing sight of reality? Cautious optimism is key: 1) Take an honest look at the evidence – To balance expectations and reality, a healthy dose of cautious optimism can be helpful. You want to feel excited and happy about a potential venture. You want to feel overjoyed about an anticipated event. Allow yourself to get excited, but be mindful to keep yourself in check. Remember: even if things don’t work out the way you hoped or anticipated, you can always learn from this experience! 2) Create a plan and try your best – Taking steps that are within your control can help manage anxieties and fears that may crop up along the way. Creating a roadmap of tasks to reach your goal can allow you to experience excitement, in step-by-step fashion. 3) Weigh the risks and the benefits – What are the potential red flags in this situation? Are they justifiable? Conversely, what are the benefits of this situation? Are they possible? 4) Set limits – Would you run across the street without looking both ways? As most of us know, a more feasible plan would be to approach the crosswalk, stop, look both ways, and proceed in your intended direction while using your best judgement based on the evidence that it is safe to cross. Setting so-called markers and checkpoints for yourself in an anticipated event can help you set limits that may structure and balance your approach. 5) Practice emotional regulation and tolerance – Excitement and joy, sadness and frustration. These are common emotions we’ve all experienced. Having awareness and recognition of your emotional state is crucial. Exercises related to balancing these emotions are important, so as to not let your emotions take over and overshadow who you are as a person. Just because something did not work out and you may experience resultant sadness, this does not automatically categorize you as being a sad person. You are not your emotions! Emotions are a part of us, and they certainly come and go at different times and in different situations. Learning how to cope with tolerating such feelings can help you keep your expectations in check. When it comes to expectations and reality, practicing cautious optimism can be a healthy middle ground for achieving balance when navigating events and situations as they unfold. Need further guidance? Please don’t hesitate to reach out!...
Read MoreAre you Sensitive, Critical, or Supportive?
Many of us have encountered people who are either sensitive or insensitive, who are critical in a constructive manner or to a nasty fault, and those who have either had our backs in exercising unconditional support, or who have wanted to mentally and emotionally “check out” from us. Where do you fall? Where do your friends and loved ones fall? Below are some quick examples and scenarios to help you tap into whether you’re mindful of being sensitive, critical, or supportive: Sensitive – You may have gotten a promotion at work. Or you got engaged or married. Or you had your first baby. Congratulations! However, those around you might not be experiencing such good fortune in these areas, and could very well be struggling. Maybe certain folks in your circle just lost their job, or went through a bad breakup, or are having difficulties getting pregnant. Be sure to celebrate your good news, but also be sure to step outside of yourself to reflect upon what other people might be going through as well. Check in with your loved ones about where they might stand. They will likely appreciate it. Critical – Before you judge, jump to a conclusion, or let your personal opinion take over, STOP! Talk to your friend or loved one about some differences or patterns you may be noticing in their behavior. Exercise kindness. You can ultimately even agree to disagree. The important thing is to ask them how they’re feeling, and to see if there’s anything you can do to help. An overly critical individual may be harboring deep insecurities, fear, jealousy, or anger. In such cases, additional help may be necessary. Supportive – Friends and loved ones exercise openness and kindness when it comes to the people they care about. If you notice that certain people in your life put you down, or see matters only through their own lens of perspective, then you are likely not in a supportive situation. Open up a conversation about where things stand, and express your take on matters. Ultimately, if people choose to be unsupportive of, or uncaring about what’s going on in your life, it may be best to take a break and revisit the issues after a period of time, or to ultimately let them go. Do you know anyone who is struggling with sensitivity, criticism, or support? Do you wonder if those around you are helpful or hindrances? Reach out to comment or register questions about your particular situation! ...
Read MoreWhat’s Within Your Control?
The short answer? Yourself. As adults, we are responsible and accountable for our own actions. We have the ability to exercise action or restraint when it comes to our behaviors. For some, this feat can be difficult, especially when we really want something. You may want it all: the “perfect” job, relationship, home. The list can go on and on. You want to feel good, happy, and secure. How do you achieve these things? First of all, “perfect” isn’t exactly attainable and is also subject to definition. Trying to control whether you get a call back from a job interview, or a call back from the guy or girl you’re dating, or a call back from the real estate agent, may create increased stress and anxiety, since you cannot control the outcome in cases where another individual may be involved in the decision-making process. How can you exercise control over your actions, then, to work towards positive outcomes? Giving up control over the things that are outside of your control is a good place to start. Below are some themes that may occur when we try to control things beyond our ability to do so: Give up always having to be right – your perspective on an issue has relevance, but your opinion isn’t the only one out there. Other people’s viewpoints can at the very least be educating, even if you don’t agree. Give up the need to appear perfect – whether it’s physical appearance or social clout or financial wealth, trying too hard in striving for perfection can be exhausting and also anxiety-provoking. After all, nobody’s perfect! Give up being controlling over others – you can’t convince others to do exactly as you do, just because you think it’s the absolute right way. Everyone is entitled to their own perspective. Give up embellishing and/or lying in order to impress others – the need to exaggerate can be a complicated issue, and may represent insecurity or deeper issues. Give up envy and competitiveness – these feelings can compromise your personal emotional well-being. You may need to self-evaluate so that you don’t always compare yourself to others. Think about it: if you’re focused on controlling the outside world, you may wind up neglecting yourself and your own actions. If we spend too much time and attention fixating on external factors, we may lose sight of our own goals and find that we aren’t getting anywhere, and may be making ourselves miserable. Solution? Redirect your energy and attention towards making choices that are within your control, which can then enhance your own sense of independence, empowerment, and...
Read More
