Relationships: Respect Your Needs
What’s the difference between being “needy,” and having your needs met? It boils down to respect: for yourself, your partner, and your relationships. I often hear of people in romantic relationships being very concerned about coming off as too “needy,” or of seeming to require too much from their partner. As a result, they often find themselves putting aside their own values and desires for the sake of keeping their relationship afloat. When this happens, some individuals may find that they are not being true to who they are, or being clear about what they believe they deserve, when it comes to fueling their relationship. These individuals will sometimes classify themselves as “needy,” and can experience a sense of guilt if they are to vocalize their relationship standards. When people describe themselves as “needy,” they sometimes indicate that this is a bad thing in their relationships. Having needs in a romantic relationship is by no means a negative thing, though: it’s often healthy, and signifies that you have respect for yourself. Just as you have basic physiological and safety needs to survive in the world (think Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory), you also have corresponding emotional needs. This is not to say that your partner should fulfill every “need” you have, though. Striking the right balance of having your own passions, hobbies, friends, and activities can fulfill your needs, and can also do so for your partner. If you or your partner are making the other feel bad for having emotional needs when it comes to your relationship, healthy communication is advised. Tapping into the respect that you have for yourself can help you in discussing these concerns, and is useful in coming to a place of openness and understanding with your partner. If you find that healthy communication is extremely difficult with your partner, or if you believe that safety or health is being compromised in your relationship, contacting a mental health professional is advised. As always, I’m here to...
Read MoreYour Self-Worth is Worth a Lot
Do you ever feel as if you don’t deserve success? Or happiness? Do you experience guilt or uncomfortable feelings, even if success or happiness is right in front of you? Do you experience the urge to want to push it all away, even if you’ve worked hard in earning the rewards? If so, you may be struggling with owning, appreciating, and accepting your own self-worth. How we view ourselves is complex, as it is both an internal and external process. We often seek validation from the outside world in order to feel valued and respected, and without experiencing that, many of us might begin questioning our own worth; however, it is truly impossible to be validated and embraced by everyone we encounter in our lives. Seeking external validation before embracing internal validation can pose problems in our acceptance of ourselves. I’d like to think that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you do not abide by your own rules, goals, values, morals, and expectations for yourself (and in turn, if you regularly put others before yourself), negative consequences may result, such as increased anxiety, stress, burnout, fatigue, and depression. What should you pay attention to, then, so that your self-worth does not become negatively impacted? Here are five themes to keep in mind: 1) People-Pleasing – You experience a strong desire to be accepted, loved, and viewed in a positive light at all times, and by everyone. When this does not occur, you might experience intense feelings of rejection, and possibly abandonment. 2) Self-Sabotage – You have a tendency to push away or reject others before they have a chance to reject or disappoint you. 3) Perfectionism – You strive for the ideal at all times, and when the ideal does not happen, you might experience emotions such as guilt and self-blame. 4) Fear of Failure – If something does not work out, you internalize this as an absolute failure on your part, without looking at other factors that may have contributed to the event. 5) Feeling Like a “Doormat” – You’d rather have people “walk all over you” to make sure their needs and feelings are met, just to avoid conflict. A damaging consequence of this is ignoring how you truly feel, which can set you back, instead of propelling you forward. If you recognize that any of these five points are issues for you, don’t lose heart: there are surefire ways to deal with them, and to improve your sense of your own self-worth. I’m here to help!...
Read MoreAssertiveness and Boundaries and Confrontation
Do you find yourself saying “yes” to everything? Wanting to always please others? Are you worried that you will upset others if you say “no,” or that marching to the beat of your own drum will make people react negatively to you? Do you bite off more than you can chew, for the sake of putting others’ needs ahead of your own? If so, you may be struggling with assertiveness. Many people are afraid to be assertive, for fear that others will become angry with them. This is where many of us confuse being assertive with being confrontational, even though these two conditions don’t always go hand-in-hand. Standing up for yourself and being your own advocate (assertion) is not necessarily equivalent to causing major conflict (confrontation). Establishing healthy boundaries can help you navigate the realm of assertion and confrontation, and it’s all in how you approach and handle the issue at hand. One way to get your point across in practicing self-assertion, is to begin with a positive statement to the individual you’re dealing with, making it known that your take on the matter is not meant to be a criticism of, or threatening towards, the other party. Rather, you appreciate their perspective, even though you may see things a bit differently. For example, if you disagree with your friend about the way in which she is applying for jobs, and you’re frustrated for her (and maybe with yourself for being out of ideas to help her in this endeavor), you might point out that you truly appreciate her efforts, and highlight the strengths you notice she is already employing. You may then let her know that you think she’d benefit more by talking to a career counselor/consultant, since you’re out of ideas yourself and are frustrated as well. In this way, you are validating her efforts to find a new job, while asserting yourself by delineating a boundary, so as to avoid your own emotional fatigue by over-helping, over-exerting, and over-compensating. We all have insecurities, and sometimes they feed into why we have a hard time asserting ourselves. We may then remain in a passive state. This can happen whether you’re in a steady romantic relationship, married, or dating. You don’t want to say no or hurt your partner’s feelings, so instead, you may find yourself apologizing for your own behavior. Or you may ignore the fact that something is wrong, and you wind up agreeing with your partner, just to avoid anticipated conflict. Remember, giving respect often garners respect. Be proud of who you are, and stand up for yourself when necessary. By doing this, the hope is that others will hear you out, and treat you the way you want to be treated. If this is hard for you, focusing on techniques related to improving communication skills, working on your self-esteem, and creating a healthier self-image may be helpful starting points. Of course, practicing assertiveness is different for all of us. There are many assorted situations, lots of different people, and numerous unique circumstances. How you practice assertion with a colleague or to your boss will likely vary. How you practice assertion with your brother or sister, or with your mother and father will likely vary as well. The goal in all of this, though, is to remember to pay attention to your own needs and emotions, and to not repress and/or minimize them. Do not shortchange your own happiness out of fear of how people might react. They may react positively, neutrally, or negatively. In the big picture, what matters most is how you feel,...
Read MoreFeeling Stuck in Your Career?
If you think about it, your time at work might be taking up the majority of your waking hours. When you’re feeling stuck in your career, or are unhappy and frustrated at your job, it can sometimes feel as if your whole life is in a holding pattern. If this resonates with you, something needs to change! Whether you’ve been at your job for a few months or a few years, it is important to take time to assess your satisfaction at work. Paying attention to both your short-term and long-term career goals can help you find your path towards fulfillment in this important aspect of your livelihood. Furthermore, if you notice the rhythms and routines of your daily life are beginning to suffer as a result of being unhappy at work, then making a change in your work life sooner rather than later may be necessary. A question to ask yourself is what “work” means to you. There is no right or wrong answer, but we all have different expectations and values when it comes to our jobs and careers, and the lifestyle we want to have. Considering these values will help you set foot on the right career track. Some topics I often explore with my clients when navigating career issues include areas related to one’s skill set, education and experience, expectations for income, stability and security, passion/interest and meaning, and risk and reward. Figuring out these areas can help shed light on what may need tweaking in order to get on the right path. If you are unsure about staying in your current job, or if you are considering switching careers altogether, embrace this experience and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Making changes to the status quo can be daunting, but after a period of thought and self-reflection, the process will become easier if you create the time, space, and opportunity to invest in this exploration. Our lives are in constant motion, and it is a given that we may need to re-assess what matters to us in our careers from time-to-time. If you’re feeling stuck in your career, you have the power to make some changes! Remember: nothing is set in stone! Tools such as active self-reflection, trial and error methods, and trying out new ideas are great ways to begin figuring out what resonates for you in your professional...
Read MoreTask Priority Management
So much to do, with so little time! How do you maintain control over your priorities, before they overwhelm and take control of you? A master juggler can only juggle for so long before fatigue sets in. Keeping those clubs in the air for a sustained period of time requires focus, coordination, and multitasking. Practice and patience are what the juggler employs to maintain the act of juggling. Either they stop juggling because distraction and pressure disrupt the process, and the clubs fall down, or they maintain appropriate pacing to come to a smooth and intentional halt when ready to stop. In effect, the juggler aims to be in control over the task at hand, and puts in the time, effort, and patience necessary to create an effective system. In a fast-paced, hectic city such as ours, many of us find ourselves running around from place to place, meeting to meeting (business, personal, and otherwise), often overwhelmed by the tasks we find ourselves juggling from day-to-day, but knowing we need to accomplish them. How do we get it all done with ease and control, before stress kicks in and causes us to throw our hands up in the air, completely giving up so that nothing gets done? Task priority management exercises can help you regain control over your sense of being overwhelmed, and are surefire ways to avoid physical, emotional, and mental burnout. We all know that prolonged stress is unhealthy, and nipping it in the bud early is a key preventive measure. Creating a map of your “life areas” (i.e. career, romance, family, friendship, hobbies, etc.) is an excellent starting point for identifying the themes in your life. Noting your strengths and weaknesses in each category can help empower you to begin using internal tools that you already possess, to help you prioritize the tasks that are before you. Be aware that your strengths and weaknesses often overlap, and are interchangeable at different times, and in different types of situations. Using a ranking/scaling system can also help you identify the level of importance of each category, in order to better guide you in determining what is most important at that particular time. Remember: foundation is key! Without setting the stage to build a stable system that works for you, the process won’t work effectively. Start small, and go from there. Set simple goals for yourself in an organized fashion. Biting off more than you can chew may only overwhelm you more. Do you, or someone you know, find it difficult to prioritize? Contact me for assistance about task priority management. I’d be happy to help! ...
Read MoreJudgmental? You Be The Judge!
When first meeting someone, we’ve all been guilty of making assumptions and forming preconceived notions about them. The interplay that takes place between both parties’ verbal, visual, and behavioral cues is what informs our judgment of that person. We may harbor preconceptions about people, and these can often, and unsurprisingly, be inaccurate. For example, you may embark upon meeting someone for the first time on a date, or at a job interview, with relatively high expectations based upon facts you learned (i.e. “googling” the person online, or getting feedback from a trusted source who spoke highly of them), only to be left with disappointment. Or, you may meet someone for the first time with relatively low expectations based upon the facts you learned, and surprisingly find out that you absolutely hit it off. The point here is that things aren’t always as they seem, yet many of us fall victim to letting our preconceived notions about others get in our own way. It’s a part of the human condition to ascribe a certain level of judgment, though, based on facts and evidence we discover. The problem for many, however, is maintaining certain preconceived notions about others as being absolute truths, as opposed to taking the time to really get to know someone beyond the externals. We’ve all heard the adage, “don’t judge a book by its cover,” and we must make effort to look beyond our own preconceptions of what we assume others to be like, in order to see the whole of that person in a more all-encompassing way. It’s important to note that this is also a way we process information and make decisions. From a safety standpoint, especially if you are in a situation where imminent harm or danger may be present (think fight-or-flight response, a physiological systemic process that we’ve maintained as an evolved species, to help protect ourselves when we sense danger), exercising good judgment is crucial to survival. Using our best judgment to make decisions is something we do on a daily basis, and we’re on autopilot as it’s occurring. For example, you lock the door to your home before you go to work, using your better judgment as a mode of protecting your home from break-ins. Another example is looking both ways before you cross the street, using your better judgment to protect your own physical safety. If we are to imagine a world in which we neglected to exercise a healthy level of judgment, then there would likely be chaos in our everyday lives. In the above scenarios, judgment is absolutely necessary, and a positive thing to embrace. You might notice that some individuals may start their sentences with a “heads-up” type of statement: a warning that they’re about to pass judgment on someone. They may then have difficulty taking responsibility for the fact that they are about to do so, such as, “I don’t mean to be judgmental, but …,” and then they state their judgment/opinion. Or they may start their sentence with, “I’m not judging you, but …,” and then you hear their judgment. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we all have opinions, thoughts, judgments, and points of view that will generally differ from person-to-person. Another example that comes to mind is that of a court of law, in which the judge and jury will make a judgment about someone’s fate, based upon the evidence that’s being presented on the case. Or how about when you go on a job interview? You are being judged by the interviewer, as you are also judging them, based on the...
Read More
